I wish the Sherpa was doing the work

Dear Tad,

I received another blog post from our guest blogger ‘Pandora’. Enjoy!

“What is the purpose of the enormous vibrator? To what purpose does the gigantic dildo serve to any couple? A standard by which to prove that you can fit that huge Mack Truck through the tunnel of love? A comparison to the formerly adequate schlong you so gently placed inside of me and now you want to ram Godzilla in there?? Do you really want me to draw the comparison? Really?

I get the whole idea of exploring new realms, trying something new, mixing it up. I get it, but really, should I be able to skateboard on it when I have no other mode of transportation? When you can answer, “Why yes, it really is bigger than a breadbox!” something has gone a little overboard at the sex shop.

Now, I’m hardly a prude. In fact, I consider myself a pretty adventurous chick; I have the mindset that I will try anything in the bedroom at least once. If it works, keep doing it; if it’s too weird feeling, painful or uncomfortable, I say NO thanks the next time and move on to bigger and better adventures (so to speak). However, when my mate brought out the Ground-to-Air missile recently during our “alone time”, that most likely was reclaimed from the Cold War, I gasped in horror and though to myself, “Good god, what’s the plan here? And where am I going to fit that?”

Needless to say, it appeared to be a novelty item that served no other purpose for me than to make me happy that at least my Kegels had been working and the old girl had managed to tighten the twat or at least made me feel as if I had. What I really just don’t get is the pleasure factor. If I had chosen it for myself, ( I prefer the smooth, small, portable kind usually hot pink in color. Go figure) I wouldn’t have complained the slightest because I would have known the type of event that would take place. Or at least have some idea. BUT when your mate walks in and presents the gift of aforementioned “bread box” and won’t themselves realize the task you have ahead of you accommodating a reticulated python in your nest, I say Nay!

Maybe if it’s “your thing”, I say go for it! To each his/her own. But for GOD SAKES, can’t we keep love making reasonable; not the chore of climbing Mt. Everest, the Sherpa is on break and you’ve just used up your last oxygen tank. Because if this keeps up, maybe I am going to have to grab another Sherpa while I sit back and watch them climb the mountain. See how you like it!”

-Pandora

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Pandora’s Crotch

Dear Tad,

In recent weeks we have heard a tremendous amount about Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell and gay marriage in the political campaigns. Where we will be in six months with Republicans holding onto the house, no one knows. In the meantime, there are more and more people who are feeling that they can be freer with who they are. Recently, a friend of a friend sent me a note to tell me her thoughts on things bisexual and/or lesbian, take your pick. I liked it, because it really is an honest depiction of how many women, gay and straight, have thought about their sexuality at some time or another.

Here it is…

“Today I realized that I may have stumbled on the quintessential phrase that is defining my new found independence and sexuality (see above title, maybe its too abstract if I don’t point it out!). While talking to a friend, I realized that with my divorce looming and my sense of self expanding it was time to explore the things that I have always wanted to try and do. I am a new woman. I am free to choose the mate that I want. My words to live by have always been: Be open to love because you never know what package it’s going to come wrapped in. I’ve dated good looking guys, ugly ones, funny ones, hung ones, short ones, black, white, Asian, Mexican, you name it, I’ve tried it. You could say that I’m an equal opportunity heart breaker.

But there is one group that I have never tried to date: women. Not once, not ever. Sure, I’ve thought about it, in fact, some of my best fantasies involve a beautiful, if not slightly butch woman. I’ve never thought in the realm of possibilities that I could be with a woman; I’m not attracted to them. Well, that’s not entirely true. I can admire a beautiful woman. I would probably admit that I find women attractive and men rather hairy, sweaty and obsessed with their dangly parts. As for women, I have a thing for breasts, they are soft and pink and well, I don’t really like my own, so maybe there’s a bit of sizing up the other ladies involved. Not sure, but I do notice a nice pair of breasts just about anywhere. I seem to sneak sideways glances at other women’s hooters, and usually stop by glancing down at my own saggy “girls”.

So, cut to this conversation I had with a lady friend of mine (yes she dates girls) and she challenges me. She snares me in the possibilities of “what if”. She mentions the beauty of women, their softness, and their ability to be nurturing and loving and more selfless then men. I’m intrigued to say the least. I shake my head at her, when I stop to think: Could I? What would be the problem with trying, who knows, maybe all of the breaking up I’ve done over the years has been because I don’t really care what men think of me. I’m pretty blunt when it comes to relationships. I ask for what I want, sexually, emotionally, and physically and I usually get it. If I don’t, I’m out the door. I have always empowered myself in a relationship to be more dominant, more assertive than most other women.

But then there’s the part of me that yearns for someone to love me and give back to me all that I give. Part of me that has forgotten what it’s like to have someone care so deeply about me that they open up entirely. Open up to the possibility and that terrible dread of potential heartbreak; I hope they might consider that it just could be worth it this time, just try. I think a woman could be this for me. I usually say that if it weren’t for the sex, I would be a lesbian. I love talking to women, hanging out with women, pretty much everything but the sex part. That scares me to be honest. Scares the shit out of me. I don’t know why. Maybe the fear of judgment, the feeling of shame I feel that accompanies me even those times when I am alone and want to masturbate without the “helpful” hand of a dude by my side. Yes, thank you religious upbringing and conservative small town values for ruining my possibilities. Maybe not ruining them forever, but I have a lot of guilt to squash before I can move on and try the things I might be missing.

A friend once told me that I’m one flannel shirt away for being a dyke. I laughed with her, because I have always enjoyed sex with men, I like it a lot. It’s just that I don’t want to miss something that maybe I didn’t know I would like or want. So thank you friend, for opening up the possibilities for me to consider, in fact, I think you may have opened up a whole new world for me. Who knows! I’ll let you know how it goes!”

-Confession of a (historically) straight girl

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More Clockworks!

Tiffany,

I feel as if I have literally been eating, drinking and sleeping this song.  Seriously.  I have spent a lot of time working on my remix of this song mixing, arranging, adding effects and generally having a good old time.

Now, as you know, I am not a fan of the original mix of the song.  It’s a bit sad and depressing for me.  So, I decided to take the track in a completely different direction: ’80s pop.  This version of my mix sees me adding more percussive elements indicative of the ’80s (synth toms, 808 drums, etc) as well as some changes to the melody, pads and general flow of the track.

So far the feedback has been positive, so thank you!  The contest doesn’t end for another 33 days, so it’s going to be awhile before I know if I’ll win.

In other news, Tad runs for the Board of the Tacoma Food Co-op…more news on that, later!

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Clockworks, Part 2

I have had a few people mention that they cannot access my artist page on the acidplanet website.  I think I have solved the problem.  Linked below is a copy of the remix I am working on for the contest.  Feedback, in all is forms, is welcome!

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Clockworks

Tiffany,

I just wanted to briefly touch on the music project I am working on. I have been busy working on a remix of the song Clockworks by This Morning Call. I have completed a demo of the track and you can listen to it here. Again, this is only a demo copy, not the final mix. I will post the final draft once it is complete. Any and all feedback is welcome – it would be pretty cool to win this contest!

I have also included the original track here for comparison purposes.

Cheers,

Tad

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A P90X update and a Susan Powter revival

Dear Tiffany,

My apologies on my absence from the blog. I have been working on a couple of music projects that have taken up a lot of my time. I will reveal more information on those later, but today I want to revisit the land of physical fitness.

As you know, I have been doing the P90X fitness program. This week marks the completion of the first month of my second round of P90X! When I started working out a little over four months ago, I never thought I would be here. However, I did set the bar very high for myself: I firmly set my goal and I began working toward it.

Today, it is not my goal that drives me forward, it the journey that keeps me motivated. What I mean is that I have come to discover that exercise and fitness is not about a six pack…not entirely anyway. It’s about taking charge of your life. It is about making healthy choices and ending bad habits. It’s about breaking the quick-fix cycle our consumer culture is all to eager to sell to you and making real changes that takes time, energy and dedication.

As I make these changes, I grow tired of seeing commercials of overweight women slim down right before our eyes wearing nothing but a sleazy bikini. This woman is sold to us as if the bikini was she all had to live for. I am tired of seeing weight loss commercials for men that claim you can eat your burger and fries and still lose the weight – as if burgers are the only thing men live for (actually…).

If I can travel back in time for just a moment, I used to listen to Susan Powter’s radio show back in the 90s. Remember her? She’s the Stop the Insanity! creator. Say what you will about her craziness (and I’ll probably agree) but her passion for healthy living is undeniable, and a bit infecting. On top of that, she’s a very smart, well-read person. In recent years I haven’t really kept up with Susan, so I was bit surprised to see a recent video of her on YouTube pop up during a recent search I had made. I have linked it below because I find the message of the video very refreshing.

The point to all of this is that It’s time we as a nation started having real conversations about health and fitness. It’s time to toss away all the gadgets and gizmos that don’t work. It’s time to stop acting like bikinis are the only real reason to want to exercise, and most importantly, it’s time to get in touch with the food we eat! I don’t care what kind of exercise you do, just do it! I found something that works for me, what works for you?

Tad

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On Carl Paladino

Dear Tad,

In recent weeks there has been a stir around all issues gay. Boy, even I get tired of listening to all of this banter—whether or not gays should have equal rights bla, bla, bla. I’m not really sure why we continue to debate this, but the religious types are not going to let us live all of this down. They think we are flaunting our so-called “lifestyle” (as if I could pick it up or leave it like a nudist “lifestyle”—I have never understood the use of this term except to belittle the romantic experiences of gay people). We are in their faces, as GOP candidate for governor Carl Paladino has suggested (he stumbled upon a gay pride parade in Toronto somewhere once and now has PTSD as a result of seeing those “dysfunctional” homos grinding away). Given the recent violence against gay people, I don’t think the timing of his comments was the best, but then who am I to say?

And what kind of candidate for governor (especially of New York) allows local interest groups to write his speeches? Rather than coming in with his own ideas and suggestions on how to improve the Great State of New York, he would rather be given all of the right cues just to get himself elected? What cynicism! He is also accused of sending pornographic emails and of using derogatory terms when referring to women. Forgive my concern, but I used to live in New York City for a number of years and I have a soft spot for that state and that city and I‘m really not impressed with this guy. He has done more to spread intolerance, particularly of gays, rather than inspiring people and bringing them together.

I respect that Paladino has his opinions, but don’t be a hypocrite. Don’t accuse gays of being perverts, Carl Paladino, when you send people pornographic emails and make disparaging remarks about other races and women. The gay people I know (as well as the straight) do not do these things, and I would rather not be lumped in the same category as you. Do, however, give your opinions and stick by them. Even if I don’t agree with your philosophy, you still have the right to have your opinion and don’t let the media take that away from you, which it seems you have. Everyone left, right or center, who has an opinion, should be heard. That said, I still find Paladino a divisive candidate for a state like New York and I would hope that people might see the light come election time. Please, Carl Paladino (I reserve the term Mr. for gentlemen), give up the pornography for the sake of our children; as a mother, I demand this of you!

Very kind regards,

Tiffany

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